Mid-January came and it was time to go back to the specialist. I was still pregnant and was growing more by now. Maybe everything was okay. Maybe there was just enough fluid to sustain this baby’s life. The checkup and ultrasound brought no changes. The baby was behind in growth, there was hardly any fluid, and they still could not determine boy or girl. The baby was breech and the doctor said he felt the baby would be born breech, because without the fluid it could not turn. He recommended a vaginal delivery because a C-section would not help. If anything, the cut would need to be invasive which could cause me problems in future pregnancies.
As time went by, I could feel the baby hiccup a lot and even move around, but my belly was not very big, at least not as big as it should have been. The baby’s movements were not normal and strong like I had remembered in my other pregnancies. I continued to go to my regular OB/GYN, but declined further visits to the specialist after another visit showed no change and as they could not help us or give any new information. Each visit I was able to hear the heartbeat and was surprised that I was still pregnant. Wow, this baby was a fighter. Throughout January, February, and March the pregnancy continued with all its uncertainties. On one visit to the doctor, I was at my wits end and I sobbed to the doctor. “We didn’t do anything wrong. We don’t smoke, drink, do drugs, or anything like that. Why is this happening to us?” I did not really want an answer. I just wanted to let out my frustrations. He assured me that we did nothing wrong, but bad things do happen to good people. I knew that, but I needed to be reminded. I knew that we lived in a sinful fallen world and that God could use this for His glory. I just needed to submit to God’s plan, but my inner battle was raging, and I desperately wanted this baby. I loved this baby. I did not want to lose a child. I had been through so much in my lifetime. Did I have to go through this too? Would God give me more than I could bear? No! A friend reminded me of the scripture that had helped her when her baby died. Psalm 73:26, “My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.” Another verse was Isaiah 40:31, “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
Enjoying a peaceful evening, seeking normalcy for our kids.
No comments:
Post a Comment