Chapter 8

Jud reads the Bible on Christmas Eve. I was unable to think about anything but my unborn baby.

Christmas day with my Grandpa. I could barely work up a smile.

Here are the kids with their cousin and Grandpa. I think this is the last picture that I have of him.

That next week began the Christmas holidays. I was so sad and felt so beaten down. I selfishly began to want it all to end. I guess you could say, I could see the "good" in a miscarriage, because with that there was a definite answer. You knew the baby was gone and you could try to conceive again. These were horrible desperate thoughts I know and am ashamed, but I was not ready to submit to God’s plan. As the hymn goes, “…It is well with my soul…” was not something I felt I could embrace. I was weak. I needed the strength only God could give.
The holidays were cumbersome for me. On my brother’s birthday (the day after Christmas) we went out to eat at a steak place. As we waited to be seated, I saw a young girl, looking to be the age of a teenager, come in with her newborn twins and a young teen-looking boy with her. I was stricken with jealousy. I thought to myself, “Why was I facing the possible loss of my child whom I had conceived in wedlock, and here was this young couple who had beautiful twins, who appeared to have delivered out of the bonds of marriage.” This was wrong of me to think, because I knew that they would face hardships too. It was time to end the pity party. I decided then that I would focus on God’s way and not on my own selfish way.